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Daughters in Law... don’t suffer in silence!

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Me and my boyfriend are together for 6 years now. I've known his family for 4 years now and I can say that I finally opened my eyes- or that I've become a very pessimist person .

Until 2014 me&bf spent the most time together, only 2 of us : going out, chilling, talking all night long, watching the stars, no phonecalls, no interuptions, no worries. I really miss those days. Now we can't have a good conversation because his phone will interrupt us - his mother calling even if she saw him 30 minutes ago.

Back then, sometimes we slept at his house, sometimes we slept at my house. When we slept at his place his mom cooked for us, insisting that we need to eat, insisting that we need to stay longer in the house, always asking about where we were going, when are we going to be back and so on. She was always talking about money, about how much she needed help with the finances, that she was struggling and her son ( my bf )always helped her- but by helping her, he was no longer able to help me, or more exactly, our relationship. Most of the time I had to pay for our drinks, I had to pay for food when we were going out, the bill at the restaurant, I alone had to help my mom pay the bills, we were not able to go out of town or travel, let alone take a vacation.. and deep down I blamed the MIL, but I never said anything to my boyfriend because I tried to be a mature person about it, and understand that as a only son he had to help his family. " But you're his family too, right ?" a little voice said in my head.

Anyway, in the past 2 years, he slowly realised that he was not helping me out enough, and I gently told him that I needed his help with money and expenses for our food, our clothes, our time . And since then we stayed more at my place - my house is bigger, cleaner, we don't have to wait in line at the bathroom as we had to do at his place, nobody is asking us where we're going, with whom, why, or when. There was a period of time when I worked 12 hours shifts (sometimes during night time )and I was going to college also, so we didn't have time to go at his place often enough. After that, I changed jobs and I had to work 14 hours shifts and also finish my license, as I was a student in last year of college - obviously we had even less time to spend with our families, he crashed at my place at night so we can at least catch up and not distance ourself from one another. And that was the time his mother started calling him, his phone was ringing up to 8 times a day : " When are you coming home ?", " When are you visiting ?", " I cooked something really delicious, come eat ", " Me and your father need some money, we have to pay bills ". So we tried to go there more often, but the MIL had a way of making me feel guilty, like I was taking her son away from her or something. " Why don't you two stay the night ?", " Are you two already leaving ?", " Y'all need to help me with money ", "Why don't you stay longer ?", " I cooked this and that, go eat.", " Why don't you eat ?", " I made soup, go eat ", " Call me to say goodnight ", " Me and your father miss you, son ". I know she is trying to be nice and polite, I know that he is her only child and that she loves him, but she has a really nagging, exasperating way of showing it.

He is 25 now and his mom calls him up to 10 times a day, everyday, even if they see each other or not - " What are y'all doing ?", " When are you coming to us , when are you comimg home?", " I just called to hear your voice ", " We don't have money", "We have to pay this and that ", " Why are y'all sleeping so much ? ( when he doesn't answer his phone because we're sleeping) " and all this shenanigans every single day.

I never or rarely say anything to my boyfriend about this, as I feel that it is not my place to intervene between him and his mother. The only thing I said is this " please reassure your mom that you love her, please tell her that you are not leaving her ".

But deep deep down I feel like she is smothering him so much, that he will not be able to become a man, that he will always feel like he is " mama's little boy " and that he will demand someone to always look after him, to always clean after and for him, to always cook for him, to always remind him to brush his teeth and so on, just like his mother is doing. I really don't want to be my boyfriend's mother.

Maybe I don't understand my bf and his mom situation mostly because me and my mother rarely see eachother,we talk on the phone maybe 3 times a day and that's it, I think that this is more than enough as I am 22 years old now.

So, please tell me, am I a bad, pessimistic, territorial person for feeling like this about my MIL and her realtionship with my bf ? Or is this normal ?

This is not normal, and speaking from 30 years experience get out. There are normal men out there , and this is not one of them. My mother n law was the same way, and as she got older it got worse. The neediness never stopped, and she drove me straight up the wall. I regret staying.

Anonymous commented 2 years ago

What do you do when the step-FIL is writing in engagement card to RUN!RUN! While you can! As his wife is the mil of 15 year relationship, now 8 months engaged.

TheB****shehates commented 2 years ago


Meghan commented 2 years ago

One word. Freud. They have an unhealthy codependent relationship no doubt initiated by his mother in the first 4 years of his life. Leave. There are normal men out there who don't still want to breast feed beyond 30. When you leave do the next woman a favour and tell them both why you are leaving! It makes me gag when I see adults use their children as emotional crutches!

Violet commented 2 years ago

Thank you so much for your answers ! You are all so kind and sweet ! I really try to solve these problems because I think every MIL/SIL can be an issue at some point.

@Jj does your husband understand your side ? How is it going for you?

Sammi commented 2 years ago


No mama drama commented 2 years ago

Hi - this is not normal. This happened to me as well. My mother in laws neediness was constant and too much, especially when husband and I got married first. She is still the same 10 years on....
But in the beginning- when are you coming, are coming this weekend, what should I cook? I ended up having loads of fights with my husband when I finally said to him - this is not normal.
Then I stopped fighting... Ignoring them and making excuses. It works sometimes and sometimes it doesn't.
She still gets on my nerves. Now it's - do you need help? Can I clean your house, I'll fold all your clothes. And the constant advice to me...
She still treats hubby as mammas little boy - still buys him underwear and tries her best to treat me like a two year old too. We carry on having a rocky relationship but I love my husband so I have learnt to live with the needy inlaws. Though we fight often. So be prepared- these people will become more and more needy as you both become more independent and closer....

Jj commented 2 years ago

Not normal!! RUN and done look back!!

Beth commented 2 years ago

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daughters in law, don’t suffer in silence!