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Daughters in Law... don’t suffer in silence!

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My infant daughter is very clingy. She doesn't even like me being in a separate room from her. And it makes sense that she's a mommys girl since she spends all day everyday with me and we've never been apart. She's such an excellent baby, always happy, doesn't cry unless she needs something and only whines when she wants me.
But everytime we visit her grandparents, her grandmother takes her from me and she CRIES IMMEDIATELY. It's painful to see the look on her face like she's absolutely terrified and sheds real tears. Now it's because she doesn't know them very well, she hardly ever sees them as we rarely get the chance to visit. But she has been held by people she doesn't know and she never cries, at most if she's ever uncomfortable shell just reach for mommy again.
Every. Single. Time. We visit her grandmother she cries, and then stays very upset for the rest of the day. I feel bad for how it must make her grandmother feel. She probably feels very terrible and has a hard time thinking that her granddaughter doesn't like her. BUT she blames me. Every time she takes her and she cries, she tells me it's because I spoiled her, she's a mommys girl, she spends TOO MUCH time with me, I don't let her get comfortable with anyone else.
I understand that it's obviously very hard to accept that my daughter is uncomfortable with her, but to put me down because of it is just low. She doesn't have a problem being held by anyone else, just her. And honestly, if she was a little less overwhelming it might be easier on the baby. Her grandmother is LOUD and annoying, constantly scratching at the baby's face, making loud sounds to get her attention when all it does is frighten her.
I know the solution is to have them spend more time together, so the baby gets more comfortable with her, but her grandmother thinks that she can just jump right in, that she should be fine because it's heerrrr granddaughter. I can't tell her that she's being too overwhelming, that he has no clue how to handle a baby really. (She's never had a baby of her own, she's my husbands stepmother) I feel bad for her, to have the baby cry every time she holds her. But then when we leave I end up feeling like the bad guy, like it's all my fault because of what they say to me. We should see them more and spend more time with them, but with the way they are I really don't want to.

My son responds the same way with his dad's mum she gets in his face my son likes to watch people for a while before he let them hold him which is fair enough a girl at my playgroup who he had never met previously offered to hold him while I made a drink and he was quite happy with her he actually ignored me when I offered to take him back! When the nan comes over now I put my son on the floor so he crawls away to play then once she's settled with a drink he eventually ventures over to say hi and if he doesn't want her to pick him up he crawls away again apparently it's my fault for breastfeeding him! I doubt it. let it be on your daughters terms and allow her to have the choice of being held

Loopylou commented 2 years ago said yourself that your daughter doesnt stand being away from you. Basically all the 'clingy mommys girl' commentss from your mil is everything you yourself admitted to at the bdginning of your post. And although mil may be loud and obnoxious around your little one can you blame her? She never had children and she seems desperate to be à good granny and shes trying, though not suite managing, to bond with the baby. As à mother it is your duty to make sure that relations between your daughter and mil go Well. That wont happen if you 'punish' mil by not viditing more often. I think your mil is throwing those commentss at you cause shes afraid you dont want her to bond with the baby since you barely see them and that shes 'only' your Mans stepmother and had no expérience with kids. Your judgment is way too harsh. Instead you should try showing her things baby likes- cooing in such à manner, playing one game or singing à song she likes...everyone will benefit from the situation. Best to you.

Emma commented 2 years ago

Does your MIL only have boys? Maybe she is failing to understand the natural attachment of a mother and daughter.
Better that your child be clingy to you than not want to be with you! Don't take responsibility for your MIL's feelings. It is up to her to build a bond with your daughter, you can't do that for her. You child is born with a personality. Nature as much as nurture is responsible here. It's wrong of her to blame you. Unless of course you blame her for your husband not putting his clothes in the laundry basket?

Violet commented 2 years ago

I COMPLETELY agree with Opal. You are a great mum and your LO may very well feel overwhelmed and/or going through separation anxiety (which IS a milestone). Hang in there and do what you do best: Love and protect your LO, but you must also protect yourself from this negativity..No need to add to our already long list of mummie guilt ;)

Anonymous commented 2 years ago

Blaming you is just so wrong. If SMil wanted to be a good grandma she'd not grab your daughter then demand she loves her. Most people understand a child needs to get to feel safe, build up a relationship and rather than ask you what your little girl needs she blames you, the mother. Your daughter is afraid of a loud woman who grabs her and gets in her face. That is totally normal. I think you might need to see Smil less and when you do say please don't grab her as it scares her. Please don't get in her face you are scaring her. If she dares suggest your little one is spoiled because she doesn't like her simply say 'She doesn't cry with anyone else, just you because you are loud and in her face. She isn't spoiled because she has a good relationship with her mother, she is loved.' Then leave. Your daughter is more important than a spoiled lady who thinks she can demand love.

Opal commented 2 years ago

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daughters in law, don’t suffer in silence!