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Daughters in Law... don’t suffer in silence!

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Even though he and I aren't married yet, it is like we are married. For starters, we've mostly lived with his mom with me in college. My own family doesn't live far but we wanted to stay together and her place was best option due to size and it's just her and my fiance. He and I have been together 4 years (since highschool) and engaged three years. We had an apartment about six months but it was income based so when I got a raise and he got more hours we were threatened to be kicked out. So we moved back in with his mom. We just got our first rental house. Every time we mentioned leaving or getting a place she becomes passive aggressive and his and my relationship is stressed severely.

Where to start?? He didn't have a great childhood. Father passed away when he was younger. When we got together he had depression and anxiety. It was pretty bad. Their holidays is her sitting in the living room, him in his bedroom playing video games. He barely respected her and would get pretty angry a lot over the smallest things. High tention. She screams at the top of her lungs at her animals (was four now three little dogs and so many cats: I'm talking at least nine inside and nine outside). Her house is not the size that can handle that.

Though he still has trouble with anxiety and depression from time-to-time it's decreased a visable and heavy amount. From the get-go I forced him to start talking to me and still have to remind him if he doesn't talk to me I can't understand. Then I use the same repeated logic to help bring him around. He's very practical and logic is the only way to get through. His mother is not logical but she tries to step in and always starts stuff which makes it worse. I've learned how to somewhat counter her affects. I've also gotten the tension calmed a considerable amount and they both can go a few weeks now without fighting.

His mother is his only family relatively close and he doesn't care for his family out-of-state (which they are annoyed by). I have a huge family, I have three siblings, I have cousins all over our town. I introduced him to family meals, family holidays actually TOGETHER but it's difficult for him to adjust though it's slowly getting better. I tried inviting his mother with us to my parents house for Christmas a couple years ago and we tried to make her welcome and gave her gifts. She has declined every invitation since then. He and I still make time on holidays to stay at her house and it's awkward: in a way he tries to talk to her now instead of staying in his room but it wasn't working. He's reverted back to staying in his room. When he tells her he is also going with me to my grandparents house on the holidays she gets passive aggressive.

She does my laundry. If I do my laundry with my own detergant and everything she grills me about how much soap and dryer sheets I've used. She wants to do it bc it keeps her busy. I don't like her folding my underwear and washing my items but I've given up fighting it. I can't even do dishes without her commenting that I didn't have to. She never once thanked me. She doesn't want me cleaning up after the animals bc they are her responsibility but if she comes home to a mess we have to listen to her screaming at them for an hr. I tried buying groceries a few times but everytime I do she goes out the next day and buys double the amount: even if she doesn't have money for it.

I'm glad we got a place. A house! But it's right around the corner... not that distance would really matter to be honest. My grandparents helped us move appliances we had to buy with their trailer. We could tell she was upset and about in tears but we let it go. She helped us move a couch and get cleaning supplies (she is involved). We ended up getting sold a fridge infested with roaches ;( first time experience for us buying and it bit us. She was helping us fix the mess. I listened to her about how to use the spray and the baits, the foggers. She got angry with ME bc BOTH he and I wouldn't let the appliance (fridge) drop down our porch steps onto the side walk. She litterally wanted us to just let it go and hoped it would break so it couldn't be sold again. She was screaming, neighbors on half the block came outside. I finally raised my voice (he and i were holding the fridge up) and told her I can write on it with permanent marker or a paint marker- we're not breaking our steps or picking it up off the sidewalk. He agreed with me. She got angry, got in my face and said "oh, right, because you know best don't you (my name)! Well I'm done helping. F-it. Don't listen to anyone!" Then she gets in her truck and speeds off. He and I manage to get it to curb. He had to leave me to go back to her place to get the extra spray we had. At that point I was trying not to have a panic attack and my phone had died. Eventually he came back with the spray and she came about five minutes later. I didn't want to see her face but I forced myself to stay calm and she acted like nothing happened. When my own mother got off work she came over and calmed me down, helped me take a breather. Explained we didn't waste our money bc we learned a valuable lesson (yada yada). She helped us finish up and helped me the next day since she was off work. Stayed at my side. When my mom was present, his mom acted calmer and didn't dare get in my face. When his mom started telling me to do something, my mom only had to say one thing and his shut up. I don't understand why she'll respect my mom but not me. She's much older (at least 16 years older) than my mom.

What gets on my nerve most? Her way is right. If I do something differently than her, my fiancé goes to her and asks if I'm doing it correctly. Seriously?? He didn't do that when we had our apartment. With this new place, she is letting us use one of her ACs. Great, thanked her sincerely. She said we could have a coffee table from her shed- I didn't like it. I didn't want it. She rolled her eyes at me.

He and I was almost married last summer when we were in our apartment. I was organizing it and everything. So excited. Talked to her- told her I was planning it. He told her. I was planning it. Not my mother or my grandparents but me. He and I were ones who would have to pay for it. He and I were ones who'd have to settle on a price with our bills. She started a bunch of drama on Facebook about how she finds out on facebook that her son is getting married. She had several people and his distant family looking down on him and I. A complete pity party. She called him early just to argue with him about it and complain. We went to her house to talk and she started yelling at us about it and saying we never told her. I finally got angry and told her my own grandparents didn't know yet because they don't have facebook and I haven't seen them recently. She was surprised and was like "oh, really? Well..." was so angry. We ended up canceling the wedding in the end bc after that happened he told me he really didn't care if we got married it was up to me. I told him I'm not marrying someone who feels so indifferent. It works the same way with kids. I want one of our own and one adopted when we can handle it. He was always iffy but I finally talked him into it. We even tried to adopt a little girl I took care of at a daycare when we had our apartment but couldn't because we had to be married first and both had to be 21 (we were 20 at the time). Whenever things are going bad with his mother though, suddenly he's back to not wanting children and only okaying it for the future bc I want them. Yet he tells me how he wants to raise them and we've already agreed on names. My best friend just had a baby this year. I love spending time with them and I'll use my money to buy some things, and got a good deal on toys to keep at our new place. His mother hates when I pay money for the stuff. She'd rather go dumpster diving or collect it from someone's trash. He gets annoyed and says it's not my place to buy it. I haven't bothered saykng anything to his mother but I finally told him if he doesn't want to give me a child then he can back off and stop juding me for helping take care of my best friends child.

My stress levels are pretty high- they always are anymore. He and I were supposed to get away for a few days but we ended up getting the house the same weekend and so we stayed. This was our weekend instead. My mother has told me she never would have put up with him this long but she'll support me no matter what I do. My father can't stand his mother and thinks I can do better but he lets me do as I want and tries to help when he can. I know how he is without her around. I also know how great a guy he is- he's just not a social person so only certain people see that side of him. He's also a sarcastic jerk with people he trusts and likes. (That's how my dad's entire family is). My mother took offense to it at first but finally realized that just means he finally trusts her and is more like my dad than he first appeared. Unlike my dad, he is more accepting of others, polite, and open-minded. My father just doesn't understand that he hasn't had a male role model since he was 9. Also a reason I think he wavers on children. He's scared because he doesn't understand what a father should be m, and he and my father probably aren't spending quality time together anytime soon.

I'm sorry this is so long but I've been holding it in for a long time.

Sorry but I agree with the other comments, this sounds like a doomed relationship. I would move on if I were you, you're still so young. At the very least take some time apart and find yourself, be sure that he's what you want 100%

S commented 1 year ago

I am going through the same thing. My boyfriends mom was great at first but when we had our first argument she took to his side and since has always 'had it out for me'. She's never had a "real" job and when she moved into our apartment she was only really responsible for herself but doesn't want to pay a dime so she couch hops until people are fed up with her addiction. She has tried several times to guilt him into letting her move back with us but I PUT MY FOOT DOWN! Its sad but we've been together 4 yrs and she isn't going to change. She's proud of being called a 'gypsy' and isn't going to sober up anytime soon.

It sounds like your MIL has a lot of mental health issues that she projected onto your bf. He is making progress because of you but she wont try to get help and wants to keep him down with her since he is all she has. You'll know when it's time to let go, unless he snaps and realizes he is being too forgiving of his mother.

Beth commented 2 years ago

Look you aren't married and if he is taking this long to cut that umbilical cord and can't be a man then walk away. I went through it after I got married and almost filed a divorce.

ReRe commented 2 years ago

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I agree with the others-find someone who is EXCITED to move forward in their life with you. One thing I have lateness from my relationships is: You can change habits, but you cannot change personalities. If he has a negative or unhappy personality nothing will ever change that.

Anonymous commented 2 years ago

You don't just have a Future MIL problem, you have a Future Husband/Father-of-Children problem. If you think he'll get better when he has the "responsibility" of kids, forget it. He's clearly wishy-washy, and the fact he reverts back to being indifferent whenever you have issues with his mother is very telling.

Personally, I think this relationship is doomed unless/until he can emerge from her apron strings and cut that umbilical cord that attaches him to her. She's an awful person, and yet he still allows her to treat you all that way. I can say this because my own husband has been like this, and it took YEARS to get him to the place where he is now (and he still sometimes turns a blind eye to the BS, but he's doing much, much better....after TWELVE YEARS, though).

I would reconsider this relationship, if I were you. His mother is clearly never going to change, and it's not looking great that *HE* will, either.

cat commented 2 years ago

Move on. He really isn't worth your time and if you stay you won't be happy. You want someone to be your husband and have children with, he doesn't want that. It is nothing to do with his mother. She is awful but he is just using her as an excuse. You are young and I promise you will me someone better and wonder why you were ever with this man-child. If you stay you will end up resenting him and having a miserable life. You deserve better.

Opal commented 2 years ago

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