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Daughters in Law... don’t suffer in silence!

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I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years, known him for 5 years and for all purposes we are partners. We live 16 hours drive from my family and 2 hours from his. I love him with all my heart and he loves me. His family is of a different culture, religion and race which seems to matter to them but not us.
When I first met the family, after a year of dating, they already hated me. The grandfather had instilled a sense of hatred and racism in all of them. He would tell them to wash themselves if they touched me.
This weekend was the worst. His mother told me to be with my own "kind". She told me that they will never accept me or any children we have together. She spewed out ignorance that all around could see. She even took the car keys out of the ignition while i was driving to hit and harass me when I was trying to leave a bad situation.
My partner was so upset he drank until he was sick. I had to take away the alcohol, bath him to hydrate him and get his best friend to calm him down because he wouldn't stop crying.
I don't know what to do. I am there for him but I feel a distance in is heart. His mother has hurt him so much. He still wants to marry me and have kids with me. I think he realizes for that to happen, his family may not be able to be a part in our lives due to their own wishes and not ours. I sacrificed my pride to try and make things work with his family and I can't do that any more. I have chosen to keep them at a distance.
I hope after all this my partner still wishes to have a life we planned together. I pray whatever happens, that we will be happy again without this dark cloud of in-laws hanging over us.

I think you've done everything you possibly can, and these people are still choosing to try to push you out of their lives. I would go ahead and cut them off, as much as it might be hard at first for your partner. He should tell them that until they can accept you and treat you with respect, he will not be visiting or calling. We did this with my in-laws and it did work...but yes it took a while (at least a year for them to start on the path of changing, and another year before we were all able to comfortably be in the same room together for longer than 5 minutes). Hang in there. I know it's hard for your partner, but he's going to have to let them go, at least for a while, until they come to their senses.

Cat commented 3 years ago

It would be sad indeed if he chose his family over you. You have shown patience and love for a person of another culture, whose family has done the opposite. If he can accept that not all people are good and worthy - including his family, and leave them, it would be better overall. Accepting their judgement and marrying someone else reinforces to them that they are right - I imagine that ingrained racism would be passed on to the new family he would have, and how would that be good for them and the world in general? He may need therapy or just to come to the realization that he will not have a family. Many other people have made this choice and are better for it. Understand too, that if it does not work out for you that it is not your fault. We cannot control the hearts of others, no matter how in the wrong it may seem. I'm glad to hear that you have taken the high road with them. I wish there were more people like you. Good luck, I truly hope it works out.

Jen commented 3 years ago

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